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Scared, anxious, excited, worried, tired, and love. Those were the feelings that flooded over me in a vicious manic cycle just hours before you arrived.
I questioned myself, "Am I enough for you? Do I have enough to offer you? Can I keep you safe? Will my wife be safe?"
See, not even the most articulate and imaginative person on the planet can prepare us for the experience of watching your loved one go through the delivery of your child.
Before this moment, the only connection you had with her was during those evenings when she was awake in the comfort of an isolation chamber, seeking what many a Viking has felt before... a need to explore beyond the confines of their land.
You are not sure what to expect, despite having seen many newborns before. You do not know if you will be able to hold your newborn without hurting her.
The nurses whispering, the doctor focused on the task at hand, the adrenaline rush stemming from the unknown, and you have no control over the most important moment in your life.
A change of seasons is coming, and it is coming fast. You are out of time!
While fear lingers in the back of your mind, you hold your wife's hand and keep motivating her to keep breathing and pushing.
The conflict in your brain, wanting to scream out of fear, yet hiding your emotions to give your partner what comfort you can.
It is the most terrifying experience that every man must endure to unlock the next stage of mental evolution. With this primal awakening, we gain a whole new perspective on life.
Every concern, battle, and argument seem so trivial in that moment, and every moment for the rest of time.
After four hours of a hard and complicated delivery, your purple child is here.
For someone who has not witnessed a delivery before, a wave of one thousand heartbreaking thoughts flash through your mind in the same amount of seconds it takes for your daughter to draw her first breath.
Off to the nursery for medical care and overnight monitoring by pediatric nurses, you are supposed to get your rest for the night. While your partner sleeps from pure exhaustion, you also need your rest for the storm of family arriving in the morning.
Yet, how does one sleep knowing that their little princess is in the nursery, rooms away from you?
Some say that you only experience things once, but I find that isn't true.
As time goes by, you will get excited over the first tooth, the first "roll-over," the first word, the first hug, the first cling when you try to leave the house, the first smile, the first laugh, the first everything.
While it isn't your first, you are experiencing all of this for the first time with your child, again.
Flash forward six months of lack of sleep, not knowing where in the house you can sleep peacefully, learning how to simply get by while the world tries to give you endless advice—most of which will go in one ear and out the other.
Days where you would sit on the couch for the rest of the day after getting home from work are now extinct.
Complaining about energy levels is no longer even a passing thought.
You have a primal duty, and anything requested of you is suddenly within your capacity. You have mastered the art of mustering up energy from any source and getting things done.
As the seasons change, and they change faster than ever before, you will see your daughter or son continue to change overnight.
While I have not gotten much further as a father, I am known for predicting future emotions and events based on patterns and data that I have seen—quite accurately, I might add. And so, the rest of this shared experience will be fictional but based on logical foresight.
At the six- or seven-month stage, you begin thinking about nurseries and preschools. You begin thinking about which school will be best for your child.
Now, here, most parents opt for placing their children in the same schools they attended. However, as your child rapidly changes, I can logically say, so do the schools you went to or are familiar with.
"The only constant is change."
As I imagine watching her take the stage for the first time to read seemingly simple lines, yet for her, I would have to continuously remind myself that they aren't easy for her.
And once I do remind myself, I do not know if I'd be able to contain my emotions.
The eternal fight to protect my child from my own demons and trauma will become the greatest battle that was never told.
While trying to keep the bad parts of my life experience away from her, I will need to continuously remind myself that overcorrection can be equally harmful.
After paying all the bills, building a business, and doing the best I can to develop a well-adjusted young adult, one day, she will say she hates me for no apparent reason.
While that would be hurtful, I am just going to remind myself by asking a simple question... "Who didn't go through the 'rebel without a cause' phase?"
All I know is that one day—after holding my grandchildren (maybe... no pressure)—I will go to brush my teeth before bed at the end of a long day, and I will look up at an old man.
The best I can hope for is that I will see a wrinkled smile, gray hair, and beautiful memories of spending my life with my children and my wife.
The change of seasons doesn't stop for anyone, no matter how hard we wish it to pause.
Do not waste your life complaining, thinking about your inner demons, dwelling on the past, or thinking about what might have been.
Whatever you want, go for it.
Whoever you love, tell them and show them.
Whatever anger is in your heart; swallow your pride and forgive.
Whenever you are sad, enjoy it, and remember, that it's a vital part of the human experience.
Wherever you go, remember, you are not alone... even if it feels that way sometimes.
Respect your parents, cherish your children, and count your blessings. It might not be the most ideal situation... but it's definitely what you have.
So make it count.
Author: Leo Khoury
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